A random thought will pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. It’s important to start writing when this happens. Here’s the result of one such thought.

2021. A year into being a first time parent. A year into COVID. I was not doing well.

I needed to improve my personal life. I promised my wife if she quit her job to focus on being a mom then I would make sure she felt safe financially. We both felt like we were failing at our jobs, failing at being parents, failing at being spouses, and failing at everything else.

But for me to improve my life I needed to become someone I had never been before. It was very uncomfortable. I was a “people-pleaser”. I was raised to be nice to others, but I would lose myself in serving everyone around me, to the point where there was nothing left of me.

May 9th, 2021:

I just want to be myself and I have a hard time doing this. I like thinking and being isolated. But I am always feeling like I am not doing enough for people around me. And that gets in the way of me being content with being myself.

May 21st, 2021:

I don't know who I am anymore.

Once I got the Amazon job, I thought my problems would be solved. I thought I had “made it”. But the personal issues remained. They bled into my job, and my impostor syndrome and frustration at work bled into my personal life.

Thoughts and feelings will keep recurring until you do something about them. Life will keep presenting you the same challenges until you address the root. There’s the cliche “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. Change yourself to change your world.

When I look back at my time at Amazon, it’s not what I did at my job that I’m most proud of. I’m more proud of the work I did on myself, while still accomplishing my responsibilities at work.